Our comment

Little Children, our benevolent minister has received funding from her very wealthy sponsors at the Malaysian Palm Oil Board to bring you the FACTS about our national indigenous plant, the palm oil tree, on behalf of whose dignity our country plans to wage what is known as an international TRADE WAR.

Section 1 – Trade War:

Your duty during this Trade War will be to consume as much palm oil as possible, because although it is extremely fattening and Malaysians are already the obesity case of South East Asia we have what is known as a GLUT.  It is not poisonous (in fact there is no health-giving property which we do not claim for this product) but our customers in the west have decided it is irresponsible of them to encourage the use of palm oil for bio-fuel as well as all the other products they use it for and we have over-planted, so we have to ram it down domestic throats instead.

Meanwhile, we ought now to HATE these foreign customers for their churlish decision to act responsibly over products like coal, gas, oil, and palm oil . They say these trigger climate change and species extinction, but remember this theory is a lie.  Here in Malaysia we are CLIMATE SCEPTICS and you will fail your national tests if you spout nonsense about global warming, which all foreign scientists say is true.

We realise all those protestors in foreign countries against species extinction, shedding silly tears for Orang Utan, are actually paid agents of our commercial rivals – hundreds of thousands of middle class campaigners working on behalf of the soya bean lobby and European rape seed industry. They get RM10 and a free lunch each time they march, just like BN voters in Malaysia.  We need to make our own troops to march against them for the dignity of our nation – free spoons of palm oil all round!

Section 2 – Punishments for Offenders:

That Greta girl from Sweden should go to jail for acting like she has an opinion of her own and telling grown ups what to do. Watch grown people all over Europe who praise and pander to her. Any Malaysian child caught spouting similar nonsense and arrogance towards adults must be whipped for their own good (lucky we still allow our teachers to correct young minds the old-fashioned way).

And who are these foreign customers to accuse our rich logging tycoons turned plantation owners and all their political patrons and shareholders of being greedy, irresponsible and corrupt?  Why blame these billionaires for the species extinctions, environmental degredation, land grabs from native people, pollution and global warming, when hundreds of years ago some other people also logged Europe and China forcing their present expats to look for other places to plunder easy resources from?

So, Malaysian children remember the slogan and repeat:
“swallow, swallow, swallow your spoonfulls of greasy oil,
and down with lying foreigners who say there are less Orang Utan than before!”

Section 3 – Official Statistics:

On that matter, of course, there are still plenty of green spaces for orange creatures. It is simply a lie to say there are less plants and creatures than before. There are millions and millions of hectares of completely ‘protected forest’ according to the official statistics from our own chief minister of Sarawak, in whom you must always believe even though he orders local headmen in the state not to speak to people from my own ruling federal party when we try to visit.

Anyone who says these ‘forest reserves’ are not pristine virgin jungle, but have all been chopped down and sold is merely relying on their own eyes, not trustworthy published statistics from the state of Sarawak.  What evidence is there of any taxes paid on so much exported timber after all?

So, repeat after me: never believe the scientists, never believe your customers, never believe campaigners, never believe lying journalists only please to believe my wealthy sponsors, who have funded me to come into your school to start interfering with the curriculum and threaten your teachers with sedition and crimes for ‘damaging national interests’ and shaming our God-given imported Money Tree, which we hope to replace the indigenous species of our most bio-diverse area of the planet with as quickly as possible.*

Section 4 – Ministers Teach Teachers and Scientists (not the other way round)

Unless you learn and repeat this chapter you will be punished and fail your studies and your teacher will be arrested, sacked and possibly jailed. It is your duty to report any teacher or parent you hear disagreeing with this chapter and remember, what the rest of the world says is not true, so get ready for BATTLE.

[Certified as accurate by the Pol Pot curriculum for scientific education]

*Note from editor: remove the bit about Malaysia’s unique but disappearing biodiversity, as not central to the message in this chapter.

• 7 Jul 2019
• BM 翻译
• 0